Fidonet Portal






From: Daryl Stout (1:19/33)
To: All
Date: Sun, 04.07.21 02:04
Hollywood Squares Humor
These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood
Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are
now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

***
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes
of the show!Wink

***

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

***

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

***

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

***

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

***

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him
if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

***

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

***

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

***

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

***

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

***

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

***

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

***

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

***

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

***

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

***

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

***

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

***

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

***

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

***

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..

***

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

***

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

***

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him...

***

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

***

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

***

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, is it OK to do housework in the nude?

A. Paul Lynde: I have to be awfully careful when I do my ironing.

***

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

From: Daryl Stout (1:19/33)
To: All
Date: Wed, 07.07.21 23:19
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
George,

-=> George Pope wrote to Daryl Stout <=-

> These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood
> Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are
> now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

GP> Classic! Then there's Family Feud answers:

I still laugh at reading those...and I can hear their voices as I think
of them. You can still find The Hollywood Squares deals on YouTube.


GP> TOMORROW.
GP> "Get the kids and pack."

Talk about an eternal vacation.

GP> 2. DURING WHAT MONTH OF PREGNANCY DOES A WOMAN BEGIN TO LOOK PREGNANT?
GP> "September."

Or on Feb. 14, the man is running after the woman. On Nov. 14, the
pregnant woman is running after the man.

GP> 3. NAME A REASON FOR KNEELING.
GP> "To be beheaded."

You really can lose your head just thinking about that.

GP> 4. NAME A FAMOUS OR FICTIONAL WILLY.
GP> "Willy the Pooh."

Was that Clinton's crappy relationship with Monica?? <EG>

GP> 5. NAME SOMETHING YOU OPEN OTHER THAN A DOOR.
GP> "Bowels."

More like the orifice is opened. Razz

GP> 6. NAME SOMETHING YOU SQUEEZE.
GP> "Peanut butter."

That'll put someone in a jam.

GP> 7. NAME A FAMOUS DICK.
GP> "Carrot."

Never mind "What's Up, Doc??".

GP> 8. NAME A BOY MENTIONED IN NURSERY RHYMES.
GP> "Little Red Riding-Hood."

Little Red riding in "The Hood". Tex Avery did a cartoon called
"Little Rural Riding Hood". You had a country wolf, and a city wolf.
The country wolf was disguised as "Grandma", and he wanted to give
this good looking female (Red) lots of hugging, kissing, and loving.

He gets a letter from his city wolf cousin to come to the city, and
meet Miss Riding Hood at the club, who was real sexy. Now, the city
wolf was very calm in his behavior...telling his country wolf cousin
"Here in the city, we do not shout or whistle at the ladies".

Well, the city wolf ends up getting knocked out after going after
"the city Red". And, the city wolf says "I'm dreadfully sorry, cousin.
This city life is too much for you. I shall motor you back to the
country".

As the city wolf says goodbye to his country cousin, the "country
Red" says "Howdy, Boys!!", and the city wolf comes unglued...reacting
the same way the country wolf did to the city Red (roles are reversed
now). So, the cartoon ends, with the city wolf getting knocked out,
and he's told "Sorry, cousin. This country life is too much for you.
I'll have to take you back to the city!!".

The Tex Avery cartoons were known for their outlandish physical
sight gags. When the characters eyes bugged out, you heard the classic
"Oh-Roo-Gah" Tin Lizzie horn. <G>


GP> "Your spouse."

Who's In The Doghouse??

GP> 10. NAME SOMETHING ASSOCIATED WITH LIVERPOOL.
GP> "The yellow brick road."

Oz was going to say "Never mind the Gary Mudfather in Rindercella,
who slopped her dripper at the bancy fall".

GP> 11. NAME A BODY PART BEGINNING WITH THE LETTER N.
GP> "Name."

Nude (Don't Look, Ethel!!Wink <G>.

GP> 12. NAME A FAMOUS BRIDGE.
GP> "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

So much for Bridge Over The River Kwai.

GP> 13. NAME A DOMESTICATED ANIMAL.
GP> "Leopard."

That response was rather spotty.

GP> 14. NAME A FAMOUS BROTHER AND SISTER.
GP> "Bonnie and Clyde."

Really. In the movie "End Of The Line", there was an exchange between
the 2 grizzled railroaders at Southland Railroad, who had lost their
jobs. The president of the railroad, son-in-law of the now Chairman Of
The Board (the former president), was going to turn the business from a
railroad into an air freight company...but he didn't tell that to his
father-in-law (as he loved trains, and hated planes). Well, the 2 guys
"borrow" a locomotive, and go from Clifford, Arkansas (which was filmed
in the city of Benton, southwest of Little Rock) head to Chicago to talk
to the Chairman Of The Board. On the way there, they stop off in the
town of Flat River...and one was asking the other where they could sleep.
He's told "I don't know why we don't curl up in one of those old boxcars.
Them hoboes do it, and they say you can't beat it". The other one says
"We're like a couple of outlaws...Bonnie and Clyde"...and he was asked
"Who you gonna be?? Bonnie Or Clyde??". <G>

GP> 15. NAME SOMETHING YOU DO IN THE BATHROOM.
GP> "Decorate."

With your own special aromas. Razz

GP> 16. NAME SOMETHING THAT COMES IN 7S.
GP> "Fingers."

Sounds like a genetic mutation to me. I have "fat fingers" when typing
at the computer. But, without fat fingers, how do you pick up the food,
and the silverware??

GP> 17. NAME A CITY NAMED AFTER A PRESIDENT.
GP> "Carson City."

That was a rather city answer.

GP> 18. NAME SOMETHING SLIPPERY.
GP> "A con man."

There is a town in Arkansas where you can find them...Conway -- the path
of a crook. <G>

GP> 19. NAME SOMETHING ORANGE.
GP> "A banana."

Only when it's between green and yellow.

GP> I like watching "Funny You Should Ask"; they have 6-8 B list comics who
GP> answer every question, first with a funny answer, then their guess.
GP> Contestants need to guess if they're telling the truth or not. . .

That was like Hollywood Squares. It was up to the contestant to figure
out if the celebrity star was giving a correct answer, or bluffing.

GP> I can't find a list of quotes. .

GP> Might be only a Canadian show, dunno. . .

I have several quotes and newspaper headlines in my taglines collection.
And, as I noted in another message, here are 2 websites you might like:

1) https://www.taglinesgalore.com/index.html
2) https://www.punsgalore.com

Unfortunately, there isn't a zip file to download, but there's a ton
of entries in both.

Daryl

... Do NOT try to cure this ham. - DE WX4QZ
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

From: George Pope (1:153/757.2)
To: All
Date: Fri, 16.07.21 10:42
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
> GP> 4. NAME A FAMOUS OR FICTIONAL WILLY.
> GP> "Willy the Pooh."

> Was that Clinton's crappy relationship with Monica?? <EG>

Ask the cigar. . .

> GP> 5. NAME SOMETHING YOU OPEN OTHER THAN A DOOR.
> GP> "Bowels."

> More like the orifice is opened. Razz

Office or Orifice Hours 9-5?

> GP> 16. NAME SOMETHING THAT COMES IN 7S.
> GP> "Fingers."

> Sounds like a genetic mutation to me. I have "fat fingers" when typing
> at the computer. But, without fat fingers, how do you pick up the food,
> and the silverware??

I have Fat Fingers Syndrome, too, using on-screen keyboasrds on phones --
keyboards designed for Chinese teen girl thumbs. . .


> I have several quotes and newspaper headlines in my taglines collection.
> And, as I noted in another message, here are 2 websites you might like:

> 1) https://www.taglinesgalore.com/index.html
> 2) https://www.punsgalore.com

> Unfortunately, there isn't a zip file to download, but there's a ton
> of entries in both.

I think I started one of those with my 4.5Mb (zipped) tagline file when I
needed t clear space on my 30Mb C: on my old DOS 386 I used for BBSing & Fido
QWK packs from a dozen plus boards. . .

Okay, maybe you can convert some of these to taglines for your current
collection?

ENTERTAINMENT
101 Funny One-Liners That Are Certain to Lift Your Spirits

Maryn Liles
By MARYN LILES
Funny One Liners
Funny One Liners (iStock)

all use a little laughter during trying times. Enter these funny one-liners.
These clever jokes will lift your spirits, brighten your mood and get you
giggling in no time.

From witty one-liners that require some humor to good one-liners to share
with kids, these hilarious jokes will make any conversation more lively. So

to test these out in public, here are the 101 best one-liners.

Funny One-Liners
1. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot
down.





4. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

5. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then
it hit me.

6. I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is
wrong on so many levels.


and yelling like the passengers in his car.

8. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.



10. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

From: Daryl Stout (1:19/33)
To: All
Date: Fri, 16.07.21 18:33
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
George,

> Was that Clinton's crappy relationship with Monica?? <EG>

GP> Ask the cigar. . .

Never knew about that one. I can't stand the smell of cigarettes
or cigars...but I must admit, some pipes really have a nice smell
to them. However, I have no clue to start smoking or using tobacco...
let alone drinking alcoholic beverages.

Arturuo Toscanini (sp?Wink, who yelled "Assassins!!" to his orchestra
during a rehearsal...noted that "Years ago, I kissed my first woman,
and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. Ever since then, I've
had no desire to do tobacco".

GP> Office or Orifice Hours 9-5?

They should be 24/7, as nature calls at the most opportune time.

GP> I have Fat Fingers Syndrome, too, using on-screen keyboasrds on phones
GP> -- keyboards designed for Chinese teen girl thumbs. . .

That's for sure.

GP> I think I started one of those with my 4.5Mb (zipped) tagline file when
GP> I needed t clear space on my 30Mb C: on my old DOS 386 I used for
GP> BBSing & Fido QWK packs from a dozen plus boards. . .

I modified mine, which has several newspaper headlines...such as
"Man shoots neighbor with machete". Razz

GP> Funny One-Liners

With Multi-Mail allowing longer taglines, I can use these, even if a bit
of editing is needed.

Daryl

... What is the sound of one hand clapping??
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

From: George Pope (1:153/757.2)
To: All
Date: Sun, 18.07.21 13:42
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
> > Was that Clinton's crappy relationship with Monica?? <EG>

> GP> Ask the cigar. . .

> Never knew about that one. I can't stand the smell of cigarettes
> or cigars...but I must admit, some pipes really have a nice smell
> to them. However, I have no clue to start smoking or using tobacco...
> let alone drinking alcoholic beverages.

I'm all done smoking; Smoked 18 years, & finally free, by grace of God, in
1993!

I drink about 5-10ml at a time, of quality bourbon (Maker's Mark)

> GP> Funny One-Liners

> With Multi-Mail allowing longer taglines, I can use these, even if a bit
> of editing is needed.

I got pretty expert at rewording/editing good lines into old tagline length
(76char?Wink Smile

> ... What is the sound of one hand clapping??

That's the only way I clap, but use my thigh, too. . . (my left arm/hand is
paralyzed)

Q: What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

The vendor gave him his hot dg, but no change.

ZB: I gave you a $20 bill, here's my change?
"Change," replied the Vendor, "must come from within."

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

From: Daryl Stout (1:19/33)
To: All
Date: Sun, 18.07.21 19:52
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
George,

GP> I'm all done smoking; Smoked 18 years, & finally free, by grace of God,
GP> in 1993!

The only thing I want smoking or steaming is the food on the dinner
plate (think sizzling fajitas at Applebee's).

GP> ZB: I gave you a $20 bill, here's my change?
GP> "Change," replied the Vendor, "must come from within."

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines...and change is
good, especially when it relates to underwear. Razz

Daryl

... Grace Period: The time it takes to ask the meal blessing.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

From: George Pope (1:153/757.2)
To: All
Date: Tue, 20.07.21 03:18
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
> George,

> GP> I'm all done smoking; Smoked 18 years, & finally free, by grace of
God,
> GP> in 1993!

> The only thing I want smoking or steaming is the food on the dinner
> plate (think sizzling fajitas at Applebee's).

Never seen nor vidited an Applebees, but we havwe our steakhouse chains, too.
. .I used to like the boneless beef riblets at Dem Bones -- a half pound of
sizzling well-seasoned beef bites!

It's gone now, as is the casino next door where I used to work as cashier on
occasion. . .

> Change is inevitable, except from vending machines...and change is
> good, especially when it relates to underwear. Razz

I've often said the former. . .

I interpret Nature as "Adapt, or die."

Diaper brands. . .

Huggies cuz you just want to hug the little babies
Pampers cuz you pamper them
& then there's the adult ones. . .
Whether you change them DEPENDS if you're in the will or not. . .


Q: What type of underwear makes a good Christmas present for your
grandparents? Boxers? Briefs? Tighty Whities?
A: Well, Depends.

Wife: Have you seen where I left my panties?
Husband (pointing): they are under there.

Wife: under where?

Husband: yes.

William Shatner has discontinued his line of ladies lingerie.
Apparently Shatner panties was a poor choice of name.

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

From: Daryl Stout (1:19/33)
To: All
Date: Tue, 20.07.21 09:23
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
George,

GP> Never seen nor visited an Applebees, but we havwe our steakhouse
GP> chains, too. . .I used to like the boneless beef riblets at Dem Bones
GP> -- a half pound of sizzling well-seasoned beef bites!

I've never been a fan of ribs. The closest I got was the McRib sandwich
from McDonald's. My late wife loved them, and my brother likes them,
though.

GP> Diaper brands. . .

GP> Huggies cuz you just want to hug the little babies
GP> Pampers cuz you pamper them
GP> & then there's the adult ones. . .
GP> Whether you change them DEPENDS if you're in the will or not. . .

Exactly. Or like the blonde who thought the notation "good up to 20
pounds" meant the amount of excrement in them before you changed them.

GP> Q: What type of underwear makes a good Christmas present for your
GP> grandparents? Boxers? Briefs? Tighty Whities?
GP> A: Well, Depends.

There are both the name brands of those, and generic ones (ones by
a particular store chain). As long as they do their job, I don't
care.

GP> Wife: Have you seen where I left my panties?
GP> Husband (pointing): they are under there.

GP> Wife: under where?

GP> Husband: yes.

Never mind "what's put on first??" <G>

GP> William Shatner has discontinued his line of ladies lingerie.
GP> Apparently Shatner panties was a poor choice of name.

I can see why. I used to think that word was pronounced "linger-ee". Razz

Daryl

... "Women who miscalculate are called 'mothers'". -Abigail Van Buren
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

From: Kurt Weiske (1:218/700)
To: All
Date: Tue, 20.07.21 09:34
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
-=> George Pope wrote to Daryl Stout <=-

GP> Diaper brands. . .

GP> Huggies cuz you just want to hug the little babies
GP> Pampers cuz you pamper them
GP> & then there's the adult ones. . .
GP> Whether you change them DEPENDS if you're in the will or not. . .


Diapers!

You have to change those kid's diapers EVERY DAY!

And when they say 8-10 pounds on them, they won't hold ONE MORE OUNCE THAN
THAT!

--paraphrased from Jeff Foxworthy's stand-up routine...


... Powered By Celeron (Tualatin). Engineered for the future.
--- MultiMail/DOS v0.52
* Origin: http://realitycheckbbs.org | tomorrow's retro tech (1:218/700)

From: Daryl Stout (1:19/33)
To: All
Date: Tue, 20.07.21 12:31
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
Kurt,

KW> Diapers!

KW> You have to change those kid's diapers EVERY DAY!

Some more than once a day.

KW> And when they say 8-10 pounds on them, they won't hold ONE MORE OUNCE
KW> THAN THAT!

KW> --paraphrased from Jeff Foxworthy's stand-up routine...

Tell that to the blonde who still doesn't believe it. <G>

I ran across a funny female ventriloquist on YouTube...Nina Conti, with
her "ornery monkey". Her language can be as strong as fellow ventriloquist
Jeff Dunham at times, but the stuff is funny.

There was one where the monkey "hypnotized" her, and he said "if you
can hear, raise your finger"...and after a short pause, the monkey growls
"NOT ON THAT HAND, YOU IDIOT!!" <BG>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vbd0FcnFfO0

Another video, she got pulled over by a police officer for talking on
her cellphone, and the monkey cussed out the constabulary. Razz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flofrPOSX_Q

And, when she was on the Craig Ferguson show...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flofrPOSX_Q

Then, where she had a challenge to "keep the monkey on her hand"
for 6 weeks. If she succeeds, she wins a million dollars to donate
to the charity of her choice. Otherwise, she forfeits the money.
It was extremely stressful for all involved. I don't know if she
made it for the 6 weeks or not.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIWf3pLmb_s

Daryl

... Veni, Veci, Wee Wee - I came, I saw, I have to go potty.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

From: George Pope (1:153/757.2)
To: All
Date: Tue, 27.07.21 17:52
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
> Diapers!

> You have to change those kid's diapers EVERY DAY!

> And when they say 8-10 pounds on them, they won't hold ONE MORE OUNCE THAN
> THAT!

> --paraphrased from Jeff Foxworthy's stand-up routine...

I love Jeff's standup -- much better than his acting, IMO!

Moe Foxworthy quotes, but I'll escherwt he ones that end with "... you just
might be a redneck"; someone else will likely, any time, post the list. . .

"Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts." --JF

"You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not
'professional' any more." --HF

"I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent
of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of
the family." --JF








Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

From: George Pope (1:153/757.2)
To: All
Date: Tue, 27.07.21 17:58
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
> GP> Never seen nor visited an Applebees, but we havwe our steakhouse
> GP> chains, too. . .I used to like the boneless beef riblets at Dem Bones
> GP> -- a half pound of sizzling well-seasoned beef bites!

> I've never been a fan of ribs. The closest I got was the McRib sandwich
> from McDonald's. My late wife loved them, and my brother likes them,
> though.

I'm only talking BEEF ribs -- a far better quality meat choice than pig ribs

I like the riblets or sortribs done in the slow cooker with brisket rub. . .

> There are both the name brands of those, and generic ones (ones by
> a particular store chain). As long as they do their job, I don't
> care.

I'm the same. My wife agreed to do all the diaper changing as long as I kept
her supplied with her choice of diapers.

> GP> Wife: Have you seen where I left my panties?
> GP> Husband (pointing): they are under there.

> GP> Wife: under where?

> GP> Husband: yes.

> Never mind "what's put on first??" <G>

Cleats, usually. . .

> ... "Women who miscalculate are called 'mothers'". -Abigail Van Buren

The rhythm method is a myth in reality.

If you're trying to hold off on having a baby it doesn't matter which option
you use, really -- your motives are the same.

The way I heard it is Catholic girls found a loophole to the whole "remain a
virgin" thing & it rhymes with "loophole."

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

From: Daryl Stout (1:19/33)
To: All
Date: Wed, 28.07.21 00:20
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
George,

GP> I'm only talking BEEF ribs -- a far better quality meat choice than pig
GP> ribs

Speaking of pork...at a local BBQ place, there was this sign:

"I Like My Butt Rubbed, And My Pork Pulled". <G>

GP> I'm the same. My wife agreed to do all the diaper changing as long as I
GP> kept her supplied with her choice of diapers.

Fair enough.

> Never mind "what's put on first??" <G>

GP> Cleats, usually. . .

Really. I saw one blooper of a guy who slid into first (he was safe);
but he almost got "out", as he dropped his pants to shake out the dirt,
then realized where he was. <G>

> ... "Women who miscalculate are called 'mothers'". -Abigail Van Buren

GP> If you're trying to hold off on having a baby it doesn't matter which
GP> option you use, really -- your motives are the same.

The thing is, true love waits. And, the only 100% percent effective birth
control method is abstinence...although I've known some women who think you
get pregnant by osmosis. Razz

Daryl

... Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

From: Daryl Stout (1:19/33)
To: All
Date: Wed, 28.07.21 00:28
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
George,

GP> "Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard
GP> coming in through the cat door." --JF

That's the one I remember.

Daryl

... A male dog is truly an S.O.B. -- and acts like one, too!
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

From: George Pope (1:153/757.2)
To: All
Date: Sun, 01.08.21 15:58
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
> Speaking of pork...at a local BBQ place, there was this sign:

> "I Like My Butt Rubbed, And My Pork Pulled". <G>

At least they didn't reference jerking their meat!

> Really. I saw one blooper of a guy who slid into first (he was safe);
> but he almost got "out", as he dropped his pants to shake out the dirt,
> then realized where he was. <G>

Why would he slide into first? I was taught, in Little League, that it's the
one base you never need to slide into. . .

> The thing is, true love waits. And, the only 100% percent effective
birth
> control method is abstinence...although I've known some women who think
you
> get pregnant by osmosis. Razz

Yup -- as I counsel teens "f***ing makes babies" (these are today's street
wise ones who need to hear it in plain language, as the typical stuff
obviously wasn't getting through)

Explain this osmosisd thing, vis-a-vis regnancy?

True story; only funny cuz it wasn't us:

In California, aguy was accused of being the father of a teen girl's baby.
He denied it, on the basis they were only friends & had nevere had sex -- the
paternirty test cleared him.

On appeaL, the judge ordered him to pay child supprt until the child turned
18, because "a child needs two parents."

About as bad as the gal on Maury Povich, who had 2 guys at a time, three
times in to test all 6 for paternity; all were negative.

She tried to come on again with 3 new guys accused of being the dad, but
Maury drew that line there. . .

These incidents should be funny, but they're too real for that. . .

Q: What is another name for a paternity test?
A: A pop quiz!

Did you hear about the place in Indiana that does paternity testing?
It's called "Hoosier Daddy"

9 months really isn't that long...
It just feels like a maternity.

My son just became a father for the first time today and in passing on the
paternal torch...
...when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him that they were


My kid asked "GROSS!! How can you fart so much!?!?"
I said, "That's just what happens when you become a dad... all of these
paternal in-stinks just start coming out!"

Drew Carey has created a new paternity reality show
It's called, "who's loin is it anyway..."

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

From: George Pope (1:153/757.2)
To: All
Date: Sun, 01.08.21 16:20
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
> George,

> GP> "Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St.
Bernard
> GP> coming in through the cat door." --JF

> That's the one I remember.

From wnere/when?

> ... A male dog is truly an S.O.B. -- and acts like one, too!

& if he's taken over the house, he's a double s-o-b?

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

My boss told me to have a good day ...
so I went home.

Q: What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?
A: The CIEIO

Employee: Boss, can I have a week off for Christmas?
Boss: It's May

Employee: Boss, MAY I have a week off for Christmas?

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

From: Daryl Stout (1:19/33)
To: All
Date: Mon, 02.08.21 14:26
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
George,

> "I Like My Butt Rubbed, And My Pork Pulled". <G>

GP> At least they didn't reference jerking their meat!

That's what chef Paula Deen did on an episode of Emeril Lagasse LIVE,
on The Food Network awhile back.

She was making a classic southern breakfast...we're talking biscuits,
gravy, sausage, ham, bacon, eggs, tomatoes, hash browns, pancakes, etc.

[A short pause for drooling <G>].

Well, she's prepping up boneless pork chops, and she has this special
tenderizer, to make the meat melt in your mouth (like roast). In talking
about that item, she said "I use this to beat my meat with". <G>

That's a euphemism for masturbation...and the audience busted out in
raucous laughter!! Emerile got this horrified look on his face, and
admonished "Don't even go there!!". The black guy, on the drums, in the
band, was about to spit his teeth out of his mouth". <G>

GP> Why would he slide into first? I was taught, in Little League, that
GP> it's the one base you never need to slide into. . .

Don't know why. It may have been another base, but all I remember is
that he stood up, dropped his pants to shake the dirt out, then realized
where he was. Razz

GP> Yup -- as I counsel teens "f***ing makes babies" (these are today's
GP> street wise ones who need to hear it in plain language, as the typical
GP> stuff obviously wasn't getting through)

Sad, but true.

GP> Explain this osmosisd thing, vis-a-vis pregnancy?

I guess they think if a man and woman are in a ballroom dance position,
close up, even though they're dressed, she's going to get pregnant.

GP> In California, aguy was accused of being the father of a teen girl's
GP> baby. He denied it, on the basis they were only friends & had nevere
GP> had sex -- the paternirty test cleared him.

There was one of those judges shows, where it showed that the supposed
Dad of the baby, wasn't. The Mom was furious that she got caught.

GP> On appeaL, the judge ordered him to pay child supprt until the child
GP> turned 18, because "a child needs two parents."

That's true.

GP> Q: What is another name for a paternity test?
GP> A: A pop quiz!

That's what happens after you visited the Coca-Cola or Pepsi plant.

GP> Did you hear about the place in Indiana that does paternity testing?
GP> It's called "Hoosier Daddy"

Or, as ventriloquist Todd Oliver's dog, Irving, asks "Who's Your
Doggie??". <G>

GP> 9 months really isn't that long...
GP> It just feels like a maternity.

The preacher's son asked his Dad how long he and his Mom were married
before he was born. The reply: "Nine months". Three guesses as to what
they did on the honeymoon, and the first two don't count. Or is a
honeymoon when your spouses flashes their butt cheeks at you?? <G>

GP> My son just became a father for the first time today and in passing on
GP> the paternal torch...
GP> ...when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him that they


Experience is the best teacher.

GP> My kid asked "GROSS!! How can you fart so much!?!?"
GP> I said, "That's just what happens when you become a dad... all of these
GP> paternal in-stinks just start coming out!"

While in the hospital, the housekeeping lady said she was in an elevator,
and the male doctor in there "let one go". She said "it took all I had to
keep from laughing". <G>

My late wife, Janice, had a saying for belches and farts...

"Better out, than let it be. For that was the death of Mary Lee".
Apparently, she held both in so long, that her bladder and colon
burst.

GP> Drew Carey has created a new paternity reality show
GP> It's called, "who's loin is it anyway..."

The thighs are right. <G>

Daryl

... Newspaper Headline: "Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant."
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

From: Daryl Stout (1:19/33)
To: All
Date: Mon, 02.08.21 14:34
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
George,

> GP> "Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St.
GP> Bernard
> GP> coming in through the cat door." --JF

> That's the one I remember.

GP> From wnere/when?

It was a video on YouTube...can't remember where...but it was Jeff.

> ... A male dog is truly an S.O.B. -- and acts like one, too!

GP> & if he's taken over the house, he's a double s-o-b?

I would say so.

GP> My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
GP> I have a hunch it might be me.

So much for giving a 2 week notice.

GP> My boss told me to have a good day ...
GP> so I went home.

Works for me.

GP> Q: What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?
GP> A: The CIEIO

The barbershop quartet group, Lunch Break, did a deal at Carnegie Hall,
with Old MacDonald Had A Deformed Farm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea2WYe-sTFE

GP> Employee: Boss, can I have a week off for Christmas?
GP> Boss: It's May

GP> Employee: Boss, MAY I have a week off for Christmas?

In both cases, "No".

Thanks for nothing, Scrooge. Razz

Daryl

... Newspaper Headline: "Include Your Children when baking cookies."
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

From: George Pope (1:153/757.2)
To: All
Date: Fri, 06.08.21 12:07
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
> GP> My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
> GP> I have a hunch it might be me.

> So much for giving a 2 week notice.

I said "I quit"; my boss said I needed to give two weeks, so I added, "In 2
weeks you're going to notice I ain't been here for two weeks. BYEEEE!"

> GP> My boss told me to have a good day ...
> GP> so I went home.

> Works for me.

If he complains you were supposed to be at work, just reply, "I can't handle
this hostile work environment, with these mixed messages, I'm-a going to req



> GP> Q: What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?
> GP> A: The CIEIO

> The barbershop quartet group, Lunch Break, did a deal at Carnegie Hall,
> with Old MacDonald Had A Deformed Farm.

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea2WYe-sTFE

> GP> Employee: Boss, can I have a week off for Christmas?
> GP> Boss: It's May

> GP> Employee: Boss, MAY I have a week off for Christmas?

> In both cases, "No".

> Thanks for nothing, Scrooge. Razz

> Daryl

> ... Newspaper Headline: "Include Your Children when baking cookies."
> === MultiMail/Win v0.52
> --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
> * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

From: George Pope (1:153/757.2)
To: All
Date: Fri, 06.08.21 12:21
Re: Hollywood Squares Hum
> GP> My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
> GP> I have a hunch it might be me.

> So much for giving a 2 week notice.

I said "I quit"; my boss said I needed to give two weeks, so I added, "In 2
weeks you're going to notice I ain't been here for two weeks. BYEEEE!"

> GP> My boss told me to have a good day ...
> GP> so I went home.

> Works for me.

If he complains you were supposed to be at work, just reply, "I can't handle
this hostile work environment, with these mixed messages, I'm-a going to
require six weeks' severence pay."

> The barbershop quartet group, Lunch Break, did a deal at Carnegie Hall,
> with Old MacDonald Had A Deformed Farm.

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea2WYe-sTFE


Funny!


> ... Newspaper Headline: "Include Your Children when baking cookies."

Why not? It almost worked for the old hag, trying to cook Johnny & Grace
(Anglicization for "Hansel und Gretel"), after fattening the two little
gluttonous thieves nicely. . .

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once Upon A Time....

A guy asked a girl to marry him.

She said, "No"

And the guy lived happily ever after, fishing, hunting, riding motorcycles,
skiing, gambling, had loads of money in the bank, played a lot of golf, and
left the seat up.

THE END.

My ex made my life like a fairy tale.
Grimm.

I hear there's a fairy tale princess who actually knows quite a few dad
jokes.
It's RaPUNzel.





Dad: wanna hear the shortest fairy tale ever?
Son: sure
Dad: Man asks woman to marry him. Woman says no. They lived happily ever
after.

The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy,
they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.
This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

ABOUT

This forum contains echomail areas hosted on Nightmare BBS You can browse local echomail areas, italian fidonet areas and a selection of international fidonet areas, reading messages posted by users in Nightmare BBS or even other BBSs all over the world. You can find file areas too (functional to fidonet technology). You can browse echomail areas and download files with no registration, but if you want to write messages in echomail areas, or use fidonet netmail (private messages with fidomet technology), you have to register. Only a minimal set of data is required, functional to echomail and netmail usage (name, password, email); a registration and login with facebook is provided too, to allow easy registration. If you won't follow rules (each echomail areas has its own, regularly posted in the echomail), your account may be suspended;

CONTACT